The Union Review: An Excruciatingly Long Misfire

The Union Review: An Excruciatingly Long Misfire

Some movies are long, and some feel long. The Union review is firmly in the latter camp. Featuring Mark Wahlberg and Halle Berry, this Netflix action-comedy—if you can even call it that—fails spectacularly on both fronts. It’s not just long; it’s a drag from start to finish. The action sequences lack intensity, and the comedy falls flat, making the movie tedious. You could binge-watch the 10-episode Prime Video series “Mr and Mrs Smith” in less time than it takes to endure “The Union.” Even a crying baby on a long-haul flight would be more engaging.

Wahlberg stars as Mike, a run-of-the-mill construction worker whose life revolves around hitting on older women and drinking away his nights with his childhood friends. Mike’s big claim to fame? Being a local loser with the swagger of a famous Boston movie star. His humdrum existence is upended when his ex, Roxanne, strolls into his favorite bar after 25 years. While Mike is stuck in his hometown, Roxanne is out saving the world as an undercover agent for a top-secret organization called—surprise!—The Union. The movie could have delved deeper into their past relationship and Roxanne’s transformation into a secret agent, making their reunion more meaningful.

Picture The Kingsmen, Citadel, or Heart of Stone’s The Charter, and you’re in the right ballpark. These are all interchangeable spy flicks, and “The Union” fits right in, ticking off all the clichés with nothing new to offer. Roxanne informs Mike that every secret agent’s identity has been compromised due to a recent data heist, and they need him to retrieve it. He’s given two weeks to complete months of spy training. Why Mike? Why not a real agent? Why should the world’s fate rest on an ordinary guy’s shoulders? Your guess is as good as mine.

Mike could be more skilled and interested, and the script doesn’t bother to give any convincing reasons for his involvement. The whole premise feels like a flimsy excuse to pair him with his ex in a high-stakes scenario. The movie brushes past potentially interesting character dynamics—like Mike’s unresolved feelings for Roxanne and his racist father’s impact on their relationship—in favor of rushing through a forgettable plot. The lack of character development makes investing in the characters and their relationships hard, which ultimately undermines the film’s emotional impact.

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In a particularly cringeworthy moment, Mike and Roxanne share a room in a safe house, but the scene has all the sexual tension of a wet blanket. Wahlberg and Berry have collectively decided to go through the motions, missing any real spark or chemistry. They try to be action heroes but fail miserably because there’s no emotional investment.

When you hit the third act, the movie’s Italian location shoots do nothing to salvage it from being a dull, uninspired experience. The Union ends up like airport PA announcements: you will notice a thing if you’re paying attention to everything. The film makes you reach for your phone and never look back.